THE JOURNEY - a road to post-abortion recovery (Step by Step guide)

1. Seeking Help….

To begin the journey a woman needs first to seek help. She may have responded to an advertisement or requested help through a pregnancy crisis centre. This step requires courage for a woman to admit her need. It also requires sensitivity on the part of the supporter to encourage her to pursue The Journey and to assess the most appropriate way to help her.

2. Telling the Story…..

The journey really begins when a woman opens up and tells her story - not just the facts and circumstances surrounding the abortion, but what she thought and how she felt. For some it will be the first time they have ever talked about it. It is important for the Supporter to encourage her. A woman needs reassurance that there is hope at the end of the journey. As the relationship between the supporter and the woman begins, it is crucial that she feels she has found a safe place to express herself and can trust the supporter to stick with her through thick and thin.

3. Moving Out of Denial……

Moving out of denial is about a woman coming to terms with the fact that having an abortion affected her. It will be much harder for some women to acknowledge this than others. As she begins to connect with her deepest feelings, pain can be very acute and there can be an overwhelming sense of helplessness and hopelessness. At this stage it is important for the supporter to affirm a woman. Moving out of denial can never be forced. The woman needs to be certain she will be offered acceptance not judgement.

4. Anger and Depression…..

As a woman moves out of denial, the first emotion she may feel is anger. Anger is a powerful emotion which needs to be understood and expressed appropriately. It is an outward sign of pain, hurt, sadness, fear, rejection or loss within. If anger is not expressed it can turn inward and lead to depression. As this emotion is considered, the Supporter walks with a woman into 'the pit', the part of The Journey where the emotional pain and the consequences of the abortion decision are considered and dealt with. It may take some time and cannot be rushed. It is important to encourage a woman not to get stuck with feelings of bitterness or self-pity. A depressed woman may seem to have lost the means of pushing through her pain, and it will take faith and patience on the part of the supporter to help her continue moving forward.

5. Guilt and Shame

Guilt and shame are usually felt simultaneously by a woman suffering from PAS, and are often confused. Guilt is a positive emotion which can name specific attitudes and actions that need adjusting, whereas shame is a negative emotion which imprisons a person in a state of worthlessness. Many women who have had abortions feel guilty, but don't understand why this should be when they made what seemed to be the logical choice. Guilt signals that she has crossed the boundary lines of her own conscience in some way and gives her a chance to re-evaluate her choice. The later step of accountability provides opportunity to look at any false guilt she may be carrying. It is very important at this stage to again reassure her of total acceptance as a person. At this stage, there is also a risk of a woman getting stuck in the 'quicksands' of regret or a mentality that believes self-inflicted 'penance' will help her to feel better about herself.

6. Grief

For a woman on the road to post-abortion recovery, grief is the release of the sadness resulting from the loss of her baby. It comes at the lowest point of The Journey, when tough emotions have already been shared and dealt with, making room for the expression of grief in whatever way is appropriate for each woman, and which may have been suppressed. A woman may feel in danger of being overwhelmed by her grief, so it is important for the supporter to keep in close contact at this stage, validating the loss and giving her the space she needs to grieve properly.

7. Accountability

Accountability is about taking responsibility for her own motives, words and actions and seeing where these have resulted in pain for her and others. She also needs to recognise the part played by others in her abortion to avoid taking all the responsibility or, conversely, none of it. It is important to help a woman separate accountability from blame. Accountability is honesty with oneself, whereas blame perpetuates a negative emotion towards self or others - another 'quicksand'.

8. Forgiveness

After acknowledging her accountability, a woman may feel that she carries a great burden. Forgiveness enables that to be lifted from her. It finally breaks the chains of grief, depression, guilt and shame that can keep a woman locked in the abortion experience. For many, the issue of forgiving themselves can be a huge hurdle, so the challenge for the supporter is to encourage a woman to receive forgiveness as a free gift and to stop judging herself. Forgiveness is the gateway to freedom, and learning about it can also play a key part in preparing a woman to receive forgiveness from God, if this is what she wants to explore.

9. Acceptance and Letting Go

Having worked through forgiveness, the scene is now set for a woman to accept what has happened and to let go of her losses. This is not a passive resignation, but a positive release of people and circumstances that opens up the way to move forward in life. It is at this stage that a woman realises she is at a better place than when she first sought help. Some women find it harder to let go than others. Whilst for some there may be a very specific change of perspective, for others it will be a more gradual process.

10. The Way Ahead

This final step is an opportunity to encourage a woman as she steps into a new chapter in her life. It is useful to review her journey to check whether any further reassurance is necessary, and to prepare her to cope with any possible setbacks, eg. anniversary dates. It is generally a more informal session and a chance to celebrate all that she has achieved through The Journey.